Dear Jennifer,
Guess what? I wore a dress today! Haha. Okay the reason this is a big deal is because I have been thinking about the way I dress recently. I was at my friend’s house and we were sitting on her back deck talking about boys, obviously. I had just come from a student’s birthday party and was wearing shorts, an old t-shirt and my hair in a pony-tail. As we were discussing boys and where to meet them we started talking about cute dresses I could wear, or how I could buy cute workout clothes if I met someone at the gym. Honestly in that moment I was feeling really frumpy in what I was wearing and it made me start to think about my clothing choices. Not specifically to meet a guy, but more so I was thinking about what I am telling people with what I am wearing. Or how it reveals how I think about myself in what I wear.
The truth is I really love dressing up and looking cute, but a challenge about my job in student ministry is that every day is so different. It’s one of the things I love about the job but also something that’s difficult. A day could start with a meeting in the office with the entire staff and our head pastor and then two hours later I’m going to play basketball with a student. I’m always so confused when I look in my closet in the morning and wonder what I am going to wear for the day. Should I put on heals for the meeting and then pack a pair of shorts for basketball. Should I take a shower and get ready in the morning or should I wait until after I get sweaty and go to the pool with the kids. It can be so frustrating sometimes. And I’ve spent countless hours searching Pinterest to find the exact style I am looking for. Sometimes I look for “stay at home mom” or “camp counselor” or “athleisure.” Sometimes I wish I could ask my pastor what the dress code is for female youth pastor.
I’ve also got into a habit of wearing sweatpants during quarantine. It was really fun and exciting to try all my athletic clothing and have the hip workout look the first few weeks. But then it slowly turned into pajamas and forgetting to brush my teeth by week 5.
So now I’ve moved all my stuff back in the office and I’ve been thinking about what I’m wearing. A couple of other things have made me think about this. First, I’m living with one of my best friends from college right now and I have always admired her style. She has always been someone who looks put together whether she was heading to class or going on a hike. So she’s been inspiring me with her wardrobe choices. Then, I recently went on a walk with three other youth pastors in Sewickley. One of them made a comment to my boss that he looked the most dressed up out of all of us. I had noticed the past few weeks that he had been dressing less like a youth pastor and more like an Assistant Rector (he was recently hired to the new position a few weeks ago). I had seen the change taking place but it was interesting to see that someone else was taking note of it. He told us that he had been reading a book recommended to him by our head pastor called “Executive Presence” and he explained that it’s all about how you present yourself and what you are trying to communicate to people. This made my ears perk up! I started thinking, what am I communicating to people by what I am wearing?
I read this book once called, “You’ve got to be believed to be heard.” He explains that as humans we have two “brains.” Our first brain is the emotional brain and the second brain is our logical brain. Each one plays a role in how we receive and accept new information. The first brain is emotional and it’s taking in all the cues of what a person is saying from the way they look to their body language, tone of voice and hand gestures. These all play a role into whether the first brain is going to accept and believe what the person is saying. If these things all add up that you are a trustworthy and reliable person the first brain or the gate keeper will allow the information to go to the second brain that receives the actual content of what you are saying.
My friend and I were talking and she explained how she had a perfect example of this at work. She works in a very professional environment but they have been working remotely through Zoom. Her coworker came on a very important call and was wearing sweatpants, a hat and the team could see her messy bedroom in the background. We were processing what that was communicating to my friend. She said that it communicated that the woman didn’t really care. It felt a little disrespectful, even though my friend knew logically that it was probably because the woman was just comfortable. But my friend’s first brain was telling her that the coworker didn’t respect the meeting.
So my friend asked me what I would change about my wardrobe. I answered that I would buy things with more quality. Instead of buying something just to cover me, I would actually invest in something that fits right and makes me feel good wearing it. And second I would buy things that I really love and feel really good in. To use Marie Condo’s phrase, “does it spark joy?” I want to buy and wear clothing that shows on the outside what I am feeling on the inside. I also want to buy clothing that shows my personality and tells a story of who I am. This made me wonder if my wardrobe could be a testimony to God’s love in my life.
The reality is that people are taking note of what we wear for better or for worse and I am communicating something to them. I am also communicating about what is going on in my heart. I don’t want to dress to impress people, but I’m brainstorming how my wardrobe choices could reflect my identity as loved, chosen, known and seen. That I don’t need a fancy event to get dressed up for. Or I don’t need anyone to see me when I’m looking my best because I know that my Heavenly Father sees me every day.
That’s actually what I want to be communicating. Because the alternative is the temptation to find my identity and worth in how I look. This is the problem I have with shows like, “What Not to Wear.” They tell women that the clothing can make them the person they want to be. The clothing can give them the identity they’ve always wanted. But they have it backwards. The clothes don’t give the identity, because that is covering up a deeper problem. Like putting Band-Aid on a cancer patient. Instead from a Gospel perspective, the clothing can reveal on the outside, the identity on the inside. I don’t want to dress to find love or find my identity, instead I want to dress to show that I am loved and show my identity in Christ.
There’s a great example of this in the movie, “Music and lyrics.” The teenage girl dresses in short skirts, heavy makeup and revealing tops and her father is not in her life very much. Her father complains to his ex-wife, that her outfits are not appropriate and too revealing. The mom’s replies, “a girl only dresses like that to get one thing. The love from a father.” Later in the movie, the dad builds a relationship with his daughter and he tells her how loved she is. He brings her into his life and she helps him make a music video. There’s an epic transformation moment when the daughter gets into the car after school and she is wearing a beautiful pencil skirt with a blouse and her hair is pulled back. She looks beautiful because she’s dressing from a place of knowing how loved she is by her father. She is no longer trying to earn love from the boys at school. I think I could dress in a similar way because I am known, loved and seen by my heavenly Father.
So all that to say that I wore a dress today! I went into the office and nobody was there. But I felt good wearing it. And I was saying the mantra, “look good, feel good, do good.” So I think I’m going to make a manifesto for my wardrobe. I want to answer the question, “How my wardrobe reflect what is going on in my heart and who I am as a child of God?”
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