Culture Shock

(Post I wrote during my first weeks in Rome)

Culture shock is real and hard. I wish there was a different name for it because I don’t think it accurately describes what I am feeling. It’s not just the culture, but also my life.

I called Mom tonight crying. I just want a virtual hug. - Everything feels so hard and overwhelming. I have a new job, my friends and family are in a different time zone, I messed up trying to figure out the metro, it feels like I have no time in the day and so many things to do, Italian class feels like a workout that is just crushing my brain, and I feel like I’m failing at it, the grocery store has every label in Italian so I have to Google translate everything so I don’t by a jar of tomatoes instead of pasta sauce. I go to a coffee shop and all I want to do is say hi to someone and smile but then I can’t remember the right word to say or I stumble over my Italian and feel stupid. I miss walking down the street and being able to say hello to anyone I meet and start a conversation.

It’s life shock. Everything in my life is different. I have no routine and nothing is normal. I have to be mindful about everything and it’s exhausting. All my routines and normals have been stripped away. I have a new job, a new grocery store, a new home, new people to get to know. New new new.

It feels like my body is in shock. My brain is in shock.

I feel this pressure and anxiety to do everything well. To soak up Italy and go on amazing adventures and take beautiful pictures. But also be the best student and take all the notes in all the classes and do all the readings to learn as much as I can. To do my new job well and pour into these students and love them well and serve well. And look cute. And be fun and upbeat. And blog. And talk to friends and family. And I feel like I’m failing at all of it. And I’m exhausted.

It feels wrong to feel this. You’re in Italy! The most amazing place on earth, I should feel so full of joy and fun that I am here. Or people have been on vacation longer than I have been here. Or it’s not supposed to happen this soon, this isn’t supposed to happen until 3 months in and I’m tired of the culture.

Mom encouraged me to think about what’s the most important thing and just focus on that. She asked, “What’s the most important thing?” And I said, “My time with the Lord. But I haven’t been making it a priority.” And I’m so empty if feels like I have nothing to pour out.

And she gave me grace. Grace that it’s okay for me to not be perfect at everything. Grace to fail in these other areas. Words I needed to hear: It’s okay if you don’t go to all the classes, it’s okay if you gain a few pounds, it’s okay if you aren’t perfect at the job.

I’m reminded of the chapel from the other night. He encouraged us to think about what success in our life looks like and success for this semester. So I’ve been thinking about that a lot this week. What does success look like?